Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Reminiscing

(this is one of my sharings in one of my egroups. the reason why it's reminiscing, read on..)

June 15 was Ruthie's first day at school. She's in Grade 1.

I had Ruthie when I was 22. Just when i was starting to have my career. Sheltered by my over-protective parents, I guess. Got naive, then wham bang, thank you! I have a baby. The guy wasn't that helpful either. He simply donated his sperm. That's why I call him my sperm donor. ;)

Fast forward to the present. I can't help but be nostalgic because Ruthie's starting to grow into a fine young girl. Very assertive. Sensitive. Loving. Caring. Mataray. Suplada. Hehe. The assertive part I guess came from her being a Scholastican and her mom's genes. That goes with all of it. Very vocal on her opinions and concerns. At her age, she is starting to become practical, if not, mature? I hope not.

She enjoys being the "ate" of the group. Has a very imaginative mind. Creative also. Very appreciative.

I love her. There are times that I feel a tinge of regret, of not waiting for the right time to bear kids, the what-could-have-beens or what-should-have-been-dones or if-i-could-haves... but seeing her growing up, and being so lovable in her own way helps me ease the pain.

I still remember my sharing in our community that has touched many people. Hopefully they were inspired also by that.

I've been meaning to write this sort of sharing, but work and some other matters swamped me but that's not an excuse. This may be long, but please bear with me. :) Anyway..

As you all know, I'm a mom. A first time at that. Everything is a first. When she joined pre-school, that was the time that I realized that I am a real mom. Don't get me wrong here, it's not that I realized that I am a 'mom', but more so of getting deeper into this full-time, 24/7, no leaves, no day-offs job. And it's fun! Believe me. When Ruthie has activities in her pre-school days such as the Halloween party and stuff, I personally see to it that her needs (her costume, etc) are met. And I enjoy every minute of it. It may be tiring though, but seeing her smile and enjoying her new stuff makes me.. hay. :)

Of course that was pre-school. It was a challenge for me during the time when she took her entrance test at school. Of course, not only butterflies and mariposa are fluttering in my tummy, but it was there that I realized that I can't work! I can't concentrate on what I am supposed to do! Argh! My secretary is used to see me very intent on doing some tasks either in my table or at the computer, but for the very first time, she saw me staring into space, distraught. Well, so much for the workaholic mom and what hits you the most? The entrance test. I heard so much of horror stories of kids crying and stuff, and I feared that it might happen to my baby girl (alright, alright she's not a baby anymore, but now I realized even if she's grown physically, she's still my baby..now I know how my dad feels). This is the time that you can't seem to do anything, and you want to volunteer in your kid's place. But, she came through. St. Benedict and St. Scholastica granted their Benedictine kid's prayer (me being a Scholastican in my growing up years). Now, she is one too.

I had a nanny before, but she left after holy week of this year. It's a big adjustment for me, because the timing was not-so-perfect. Ruthie just started taking her summer program. So, it's a work-out for me. It's a struggle to get up early morning (as I am not a morning person) then waking her up and preparing her to go to school.Thank God there's a grandmother to help me out (hehe). The first days of the summer classes opened, and she's starting to have some tantrums. And it's so damn hard being both a mom and a dad at the same time. As much as I want to comfort her, you just can't. She has to learn to grow up. As much as I want to smother her with hugs and kisses to ease her pain, I just can't. Someone has to tell her firmly that mommies are not allowed inside the classroom. Thank God for her teacher. She talked some sense into her, and every day until her last day at school, she's excited to go. Of course, how can I forget that on the last day, she bawled on my office? She was hurt. She was bullied. But giving her a hug and a congee made her day. I was affected too, but she has to see me strong in order for her to overcome this. Oh man, why does she have to undergo this? Realizing all along that she has to undergo this, because if she can't, how and when she will learn to stand up and be strong for herself? Haay.. But, I received some consolation too. Another mom told me that, "mukha lang ata nagpapalambing sa iyo yung anak mo. kasi kapag nasa classroom, ate ng bayan." Well, that's good. I think (and I'm pretty sure you'll agree) that she got my "strong" personality. I'm really, really convinced that she's my daughter.

Yesterday was her first official day as a Scholastican. Prior to this, my mom told me when she saw me fixing my daughter's stuff, now it's your turn. Graduate na ako dyan. And as for me? Seeing her running around the campus in her uniform (nostalgic, because I wore the same uniform eons ago) and smiling at me, screaming, "MOMMMMMYY!!!! AIIIEEEEEE!!!!" reminds me of how much God loves me so much for giving me a wonderful, talkative and hyperactive little girl. And it made me realize that if I am enjoying this scene now, how much more God? I think He's smiling and laughing along with Ruthie. And looking back at all the situations, I am pretty much amazed how I managed to pull through. But, that is God's work. Up until now, I still couldn't believe the countless miracles I experienced. No wonder, at the end of the day, I would just simply say, "Thank God!"

It's my turn now. And I want to relish the experience one day at atime.

Need I say more?

I rest my case. :)

No comments: